Still I stare

I have been sitting here staring at the blinking cursor. I have about four blog posts circling my brain but none of them are coming out just right. Still, I stare. I wait for inspiration to hit. Still, I stare. The constant blinking continues.

Do you ever have those months when you realize that God is working on you? As I reflect on the past month, I realize I have been under the chisel this month! So, here is what I feel like I am learning... have learned.

• I can do far more than I realized. I joined a fitness boot camp on November 1. I was ridiculously scared, freaked out that I had to leave my house by 4:45 AM every day, and intimidated beyond belief! I am not fit, not athletic, and not at all confident around those who are. Each day I faced my feelings of embarrassment, failure, and then moments of pride at accomplishment! I survived each day one at a time. Wow! In celebration of finishing, I ran a 5K on Thanksgiving day! I still get up every morning at 4:30 for a ridiculously early and challenging workout! Ouch and Wow all at one time! So, not only did I physically benefit, I mentally benefited. What a realization that even though I was throwing up (only once), even when I was crying (only twice), I still survived! I kept going! How many other things do I think I can't possibly do, but I can?

• Another lesson I learned/am learning is about being a shepherd. Who do I lead? Why do I lead them? What is my role? These are all questions I have been facing. To go along with that, I am learning about my own weaknesses. Man, I have so many! Particular areas of growth are: Servanthood, humility, purpose for task, who to trust, how to build trust, and why I am called to a task. I have been reflecting on CS Lewis' Screwtape Letters. Screwtape tells Wormwood not to focus on the big sins like murder, but rather lead the patient astray with the small sins: gossip, discontentment, selfishness, etc. Yikes. Am I guarding my heart and turning to God, the Bible, and wise (willing to really tell me the truth) Christian friends... OR, am I turning to my friends who will tell me what I want to hear, feed my negativity, and self? I have been reading the book of Nehemiah and learning so much about this. If you are looking for a couple of good sermons on this, turn to Alistair Bagg. The series is called, "Hard pressed but not Crushed." I am humbled, challenged, and growing (I hope).

The rest will have to wait until another post. I hope for a new day tomorrow. Would love to be challenged a bit less in the month of December (haha); my hope is for really growing and learning. I think that to grow and learn I may need to be challenged. Holding on tight.

What's your place?

On Friday afternoon at about 3:00 PM, I decided to go to Canada for the weekend. I know... who does that? I decided to pack up my Allie, my dear friend Stacy and her daughter Madi. We left at 5:00 AM on Saturday morning with tickets to three shows and one tour in hand.

They were shocked that we were heading to a "foreign country!" (Allie's assessment after spending a day in Stratford was, "Wow, foreign countries are great!"

After arriving in Stratford, I took a big sigh and just relaxed. I said to my friend, "I love coming here. I only have happy memories of this place." I have been going to Stratford since 1996. Sometimes I have gone with friends, sometimes with students and colleagues who are more than just colleagues, and once by myself.

We walked the town, ate at familiar restaurants, and stopped a lot just to look. I could actually see in my mind various people with whom I have shared experiences. A few of my many memories: A long coffee at a coffee shop with Steve Kirkpatrick. I remember people-watching with him while he graded papers. A big bunch of CHS teachers eating dinner and then abruptly ending dinner due to a fire in a local warehouse. Sitting with my husband watching a play. A student getting hit in the nose with a program. "Hmm" from the usher when she questioned whether or not I was old enough to be a chaperone. (For some reason, they don't question me any more.) Long nights talking in the hallway of the hospital dorm watching students scatter from room to room. The list goes on...

Sharing this trip with my daughter reminded me of the happy and yet somewhat sad reality that she is growing up. I am one step closer to sitting with her in a coffee shop wishing she had more time to tell me her thoughts and feelings on life. One step closer to her further independence. One step closer to her own adventures.

I hope this was the first in a long line of future adventures to Stratford with my Allie. I am thankful that I have a place like Stratford that only brings me happiness. I hope that when she is 37, she takes sidelong glances at her daughter watching her first production at the Festival theatre and only has happy memories.

I am Not God

I think I have reached a new level of vanity. Pitiful as it may be, I am there. I see (what I consider) injustice in a particular situation. Since I don't like it, I keep thinking that I know the best way to resolve the issue. Funny thing is... I do not have permission to move forward with my "best" decision.

Here is what my mind keeps saying: God knows the best decision. God does not need me to do His work. God's timing is infinite; I am only seeing one small slice of time. God knows all; I know my little world.

Here is what my heart keeps saying: This is not fair! I can help fix this situation. I can take care of this issue.

So... at the end of the day... I want God's will with his infinite wisdom. I do not want my heart's will, because I am not God.

There... it is out! I had to vent, process, wrestle. Just needed to get it out, and I am thankful that I still come to the resolution that I do not want my will; I want God's will.

A Voice of Gentle Silence

I love my job. I was called to do this work. Even though I was called and love what I do, there are some days that discouragement sneaks into my thinking. These past few days have been challenging. I have been asking myself if we are making a difference. Are kids' lives being changed? Are families coming together with a new sense of unity? Most importantly, are people's eyes turning toward God.

In the midst of my discouragement, I was reading 1 Kings 19. Right at this point in 1 Kings, Elijah is feeling so discouraged. He thought that people would certainly turn to God after witnessing the miracles, but they didn't. Here is what happens: The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."

The Hebrew translation calls that gentle whisper "a voice of gentle silence." Am I so focused on all that is going on around me, or am I closely listening for that gentle whisper? It is much easier to be distracted by all of the "noise" of life. I am going to listen for the gentle silence.

Being disposable

Are you disposable? Easily gotten rid of? Trash? Worthless?

I am so thankful that my God loves me and will not leave me regardless of how selfish, inattentive, and prideful I am. My God will not tire of my endless worries, my times of questioning him, my busy schedule that does not include Him. Will He give me consequences or pull me back? Yes! He will not, though, be "all done" with me. He will not get rid of me. He will not tell me I am disposable. Trash. Worthless.

Why, then, do we as a society tell our kids that if they misbehave we will get rid of them? Why do we tell kids that we will send them away if they cannot change their behavior? Why are we so quick to throw people out, because we have decided it is too much? I have sat in too many meetings this week and heard this conversation. Parents who were told they were nothing; they now tell their kids they are nothing. Satan's lies passed down from generation to generation.

If God does not quit on us, why do we quit? Are we more than God?

Thinking small

Katie had her follow up appointment with her immunologist/allergist. That is a seven hour drive each way. We have been trying the sublingual immunization therapy for the past three months. When Jon left yesterday, I decided my goal was for her to be able to eat eggs again. (The girl loved eggs, and she could use the protein. It would be great if she could eat wheat (since it is in EVERYTHING!) Milk would just be a luxury!

I don't have all of the details, and more blood work was done today; however, here are the results I do know... NO eating eggs, wheat, or milk. They increased the antigen of each allergen. Other than that... status quo. Grr... Well, really it is not that big of a deal, but I was just hoping.

She will go back again in one year. (Yes, one year.) In the meantime, we will finish this three months of treatment. The next dosage will increase the allergens again with hope of increasing the immunity.

All is well in our world. She is healthy, growing, and loads of fun.

She's Nine!

It is hard to believe that my sweet Allie is now nine years old. Like all nine year old girls, one of her birthday wishes was to open her own savings account. Really? We waited in line for an hour, but she finally has her own account. She put in every last penny she had. She did spend two gift cards but refused to spend any cash. There are a lot of things I love about my Allie. Here is my Top Nine List.

1. She always, always, always thinks of others first. She gave away her first Christmas gift to her brother. She asks for birthday items to give to her sister. She is just a thoughtful girl.

2. She is a thinker.

3. She is unique. Her ideas often surprise me. She has strong opinions and is not afraid to be alone. She accepts everyone and tries to raise the standard for everyone around her.

4. Allie loves animals. She just spent a week working at the Humane Society. She loved cleaning out the cat cages. Who likes that?

5. Although she is often told that she is a lot like me. Secretly she wants to be like her dad, too. He is Mr.Science, and Allie loves science.

6. She loves to cook and create recipes! Fun to be with in the kitchen. (She also wears the old I love Lucy aprons while she cooks.)

7. She is not afraid of hard work. She is often told, "Do you know how much work that is?" Her response is always, "I don't mind hard work."

8. She has been fascinated with all things Chinese since she was very young. I often thought of her as a missionary in China. I was reminded that she may just want to run a Chinese buffet.

9. Even though she is "fun-loving" and has the goofiest sense of humor, she feels things deeply. She really processes and thinks through things.

That is my Top Nine List on Allie for her Ninth Birthday!

A challenge

I just started reading Wild Goose Chase. Although I really like the book so far, it actually freaks me out. I feel like I am the "routine, normal Christian" Batterson pities, challenges, and tries to reform. He suggests that relationship with God is much more like a purposeful adventure rather than a peaceful day at the park. Ugh.

I feel myself cringe a little and try to hide from the Spirit's prodding. Can I be adventurous?? Yes! It is just not my natural leaning. I love being with an adventurer who challenges me to push forward. I love going on adventures, but I have to gear up mentally. Working at The Crossing really nudged me forward. Going to Haiti another nudge.

Where is The Spirit nudging me now? Am I willing to go?

No Excuses!

I have no excuses for a lack of communication. Isn't it odd when someone just checks out for a while? I have several blogs I watch, and I occasionally think, "Why haven't they updated?" Thankfully, with my vast media empire, I don't have a huge following and not many pondering my whereabouts.

So... Where have I been?? Life is good. I continue to be so thankful! As I catch up on this blog, my sweet Kate is playing doll house right next to me. Allie is outside in the Teepee she is building (you should check it out). William and Jon are playing chess. Does life get any simpler? Does life get any better?

Where have my thoughts been? Here is what I have been thinking about lately:

• Should I let my hair grow longer? Should I keep it the same color? Should I get it really, really short?
• Can I be more organized? If yes, am I willing to do the work to be more organized?
• Am I being the best parent I can be? Am I being a good wife? Am I being a good friend?
• Is my time being spent well, or am I just "killing time?"
• Should I take students to Haiti in October? If yes, should I go with NVM or with another organization?
• What else needs to be added to that recipe that is brewing around in my brain?
• Why is it that sometimes non-Christians are far more loving, generous, and welcoming than Christians?
• What am I going to do with that 30 pounds of blueberries?
• Who is going to clean my house?

Not very exciting, but there it is!

Be Careful What you Ask For!

Recently I asked God if I was truly faithful in times of storms, or if I only celebrated Him because I have pretty great life.

Well, my family and I are being stretched, pounded, and challenged. Man, I should have watched my words! hah!

Although I cannot really share all that is going on, just a few highlights... our bank account was hacked; our van broke down and repairs equal about $3500; a project has proven to be far more complex, costly, and time draining than first planned; and this is just a few of the several issues in front of us.

My wonderful husband said it well today when he said this, "My body is tired from working on the project. My mind it exhausted from working on ______. My emotions are spent from this experience. I think the only thing holding me together at this point is my faith and my family."

A couple things that amaze me in this... first of all, we have so much for which to be thankful! We have a house, food, jobs, friends, etc. Our problems are so minor in the scope of others. I know that and freely acknowledge it. We can easily share one car... inconvenient- yes! End of the world- No! We negotiated costs, found another mechanic, chose which repairs are necessary versus can wait, etc. We are working things out with the bank. Other situations will either be repaired, accepted for what they are, or ??? Who knows what!

Second, God is choosing not to rescue us. He is allowing this to occur. I have to be honest, but I don't love my choices. I can either sit on the floor and cry, whine, and complain. Or, I can have joy in the process, respond in a way that is pleasing to God, and rely on Him to let me know the next steps. It is not very pretty, but I am wavering between my two options. In some times, I am keeping my eyes on God and looking forward. In a moment this afternoon, I wanted to defend myself (even when not being heard), cry (which I did do later), and actually not even be gracious. I know that Jon has been feeling some of these same feelings with regard to one of the other situations.

Instead, silence for now is the correct response. Prayer is the appropriate source for counsel. Waiting on the Lord (without being Lazy for the Lord) is the response we choose today.

How long does it take?

I was recently reading about Jim Elliot. He was a missionary to Ecuador. When he first decided to go to Ecuador to serve (from what I read) he was really excited to get in the trenches to share God's love. Instead, he arrived in Ecuador to hostile villagers.

He first spent time learning the language. Months of training.

Knowing that the villagers were hostile, he couldn't just walk up to them. He devised a plan to get to know the villagers first. He had a plane fly over the village, and he dropped down supplies and gifts from the plane. While giving gifts, he used his newly acquired language to yell words of encouragement, greetings, and information about why he was there. Again, months and months.

He was finally able to get into the village and meet the villagers. He was finally able to begin the work he came to do. How long he had waited!

This story made me think of the work at The Crossing. Great news! We do not have to drop boxes from planes. The bad news... We cannot just jump in and do our work. First, prayer, prayer, prayer. How do we know where we are to go? How do we know which students we are supposed to reach? Second, we have to learn the language. Wow. This is a tricky one. I am not just thinking about the language but about really knowing someone. We need to learn about the lives being led, the aspirations, the issues. This takes time and perseverance. Finally, finally... the work can begin. It is just plain messy. It can be painful; it can be rewarding.

I think that reading about Jim Elliot reminded me one more time that working at The Crossing is not a job. It is first and foremost a missionary calling.

The End

Here he is on his first day of kindergarten. Made me cry a little to look at this sweet face so little, so happy, so innocent.

I thought I should talk about the end. Yes, the end of an era. William graduated elementary school this week. He is officially a middle schooler now. How is that possible? People always say, "It goes so fast." Isn't it funny how sometimes it feels like the time is slowly ticking by while managing temper tantrums, doing homework, daily tasks, and just life. Other moments flash before me, and I am looking at my pre-teen and thinking, "How?"

I am so proud of him. I have to admit that I am really nervous about him going to middle school. Organization is not his strength. He is still very small for his age. I just want to protect him. On the other hand, he is really excited about band, sports, and having a locker.

Middle School is the turning point, I think. Having taught middle school, I know this is where kids make big decisions on what they will do, who they will follow, and how far they are willing to go to get friends. What will he choose?

My prayer today is that he will remember what we taught him, that he will be comfortable in his own skin, and that he will find the right path. He is growing up so fast.

So, I feel like I should have something profound to write after such a long lapse; however, here I am with so little to say. My friends are thinking that they wish I had so little to say when I am in their company. HAH

Let's try this... Lessons from a vacation:

• Vacation brings out the best and worst in our family (and I think society as a whole, really). Children who normally argue over the simplest of situations are extending graces towards one another. There is a lot of time for snuggles on the couch, the beach, and carrying a sleeping, content four-year-old for miles on end. On the other hand, driving straight through or staying up late playing games or watching fireworks, pushes people past limits of kindness. Listening to parents (in "The Happiest Place on Earth") threaten to "yank your sorry butt out of this Dumbo line" and yell "Why do you have to act stupid like your grandma?" made me think they had somehow lost the point at being at Disney. I found myself, though, telling a child that if he didn't eat some protein for breakfast he wouldn't be able to ride rides. Hmmm... low moment on the vacation.
• Going to the beach is more fun than I thought it would be. I grew up on the beaches of California but still feel grossed out by spending so much time there as a family. Sand in too many places. Children who think rolling in sand is the most fun activity ever just make me cringe. I have to say, though, getting up each morning and heading to the beach was so relaxing and fun. I spent time reading, people-watching, and playing. Those who know me, know sitting around doing nothing is not my strong suit, but I bought into it.

• Seeing Kate's face at Disney World made the trip so great. I cried more than once seeing her sweet smile. She was so enjoyable on this trip. We are starting to discover more of her personality.

• William can do anything he puts his mind to... He can make me smile in an instant. He can change the mood in our entire family- positively or negatively. The kid can do anything athletic! He is growing up faster than I ever thought possible!

• I realized the downfall of the "middle child." Allie is my sweet, content, helpful child. She is just easy-going. I realized, though, that it becomes easy to expect her to sacrifice, flex, or be easy going even when she doesn't feel like it. I was taught a lesson to take time to make sure she feels special, unique, and loved. She is one great kid!

Well, I think those are all of my lessons for the trip! Nothing profound but loads of fun.

The allergy update

After traveling fourteen hours (seven hours each way), we gained more information regarding our dear Kate.

She is (confirmed) allergic to eggs, wheat, and milk. We knew about the milk. Jon reminded me that egg and wheat were mentioned a couple years ago, but I apparently chose to ignore the facts.

Our next steps... We are determining if she is a candidate for the sublingual immunization therapy. (Sounds fancy, huh?) Sublingual refers to glands under the tongue (that's my basic definition). The immunization therapy means placing a small amount of the allergen under the tongue several times a day to gradually increase her immunity to the allergens. This is similar to allergy shots, but it is in very small doses over the course of a day.

Once we determine IF she is a candidate, we have to determine if WE are willing to try this therapy. One part of me says, "Why not?" The other part of me says, "Get used to her life with food allergies now, hope she will outgrow them, and train her how she can eat."

We don't know what we will do.

Tasty Tuesday

As I continue to reflect on all that I have, I realize how much I waste. My complaints in America are basic: my house is a mess, my kids are in too many activities, wish my girls didn't have to share a too small bedroom, etc.

So, in thinking of all I have, I decided I really need to be much more resourceful in how I spend my food and time. We have a family goal of sit down dinners. I also love to try new recipes. Can be tricky with two working parents and busy schedules. Here is my tip for the week...

Cook once for the week: I usually cook on Saturday or Sundays. Here was last week's menu:

• Roast turkey, potatoes, and green beans

With the left over turkey, I made turkey stock and then shredded the meat. Here was the result:

• Turkey divan with homemade applesauce
• Turkey and stuffing casserole
• Turkey noodle soup

Knowing that the family would be sick of turkey, I also found a recipe for "brown bag burritos". We put together 20 burritos (homemade refried beans, browned hamburger, enchilada sauce, and some spices). We then wrapped and froze the burritos. These are excellent to heat for a quick family dinner. Finally, I made three lasagnas and froze them.

So, after one day's work we had family dinners for one week (and then some!) We were able to provide some meals for friends, too.

This week we continued the trend, but we wanted to try some new recipes and had lots of fresh fruits and veggies on hand... Here is the week:

• Turkey sausage, sauerkraut, sweet potatoes, sauteed spinach
• Roast, potatoes, carrots, salad
• Beef and noodles (leftover beef and stock)
• Spaghetti (homemade meatballs- made and frozen on Sunday), salad, homemade applesauce
• homemade eggrolls
• bbq chicken legs, rice, peas
• bbq chicken wraps (leftover chicken and rice)

So... my challenge to you is this: Do you want more time with your family? Do you want to make use of your pantry items and incorporate fresh fruits and veggies? Interested in family dinners with low stress on the family?

Try cooking one meal and "remaking" it for a later meal (like the roast or bbq chicken) OR cook once for the week (like the turkey).

A Day That Was TOO much...

This day just about wore me out! Even though it was the first day of ISTEP testing in my schools (which causes great amounts of stress), my own children had several needs to be met. So, here are the updates...

Allie- Allie had an appointment at the doctor to discuss recurring stomach aches. We determined that some of it may be related to her continued feelings of perfectionism and self-imposed stress. The other part of it we think is related to acid reflux. The good news is that Allie feels validated in knowing why her stomach hurts and that there is a plan to help with her upset stomachs. She was able to return to school today and feel okay. I hope that this discovery will help her this week as she has her violin recital on Friday.

Katie- This one came out of nowhere today... As you know, Katie has a fairly severe dairy allergy. While at the pediatrician today, she suggested a place called Allergy Associates of LaCrosse (as in LaCrosse, Wisconsin). They are licensed and board certified doctors who specialize in allergy and immunology. They determine the allergy and then do desensitization of the allergen. We can do the desensitization at home. They had a cancellation, so we will be able to go on March 19! It is a seven hour drive, but it could be life changing. I am thankful for my friends who have done something similar and experienced success with a removal of food allergies. We are now doing the unhappy task of gathering all of Kate's previous testing to try and avoid redoing similar tests. The goal is to make the first appointment very useful, so we can start the process. Friday, March 19 could start an end to food allergies for Katie.

William- This is something that has been such a burden for quite a while. William loves music but specifically, he loves drumming. Tonight he had his audition and instrument selection for 6th grade. The music department sends home a letter saying how difficult it is to be selected for percussion, because every sixth grade boy wants to be a drummer. I have fretted over this for months. What if William does not get selected? How will that crush his spirit? I have been praying in such a pitiful "mom" way. I have been asking God to please let William be chosen to percussion knowing how much we longs for it. Thinks are often so difficult for him, and he is already insecure. Please, God, let him get this!

When we arrived tonight, we were reminded that it is likely he will not be chosen. During the audition, William was awesome! He did far more than other auditions I watched. I walked away with a spring in my step thinking, "Thank you, God for answering my prayer! He has to be selected after that audition!" If trying out for percussion, it is required that you try other instruments. William definitely not interested... He tries trumpet, trombone, and baritone. The band teacher says several times how talented he is, how he can accomplish sounds that most new students cannot make, and more. She then offers to let him try French horn. She mentions that they do not let very many students try because it is so hard. He starts playing and does a great job. In fact, some of her descriptions were, "This is college money. He has a better ear than many high school students. He is smart and so naturally wonderful. If I could convince him to play anything it would be french horn, because very few can do it well." WOW. Now, here is the really amazing thing... Walking away from the night William says to me, "Mom, I will always play drums. I love it. Can't I take drum lessons and improve that skill but play French horn in the band? I think that I would miss drumming, but I would still do it all of the time. Maybe I should try the French horn and look at the future in drumming." This is what I love... God didn't answer my prayer that William get chosen to do percussion (although it looks like he will get that offer). God far exceeded my prayer in that He changed William's heart. How cool is that? I can stop worrying over William's hurt and pain at being rejected. His heart has been changed to not only accept something other than drumming but to celebrate it. Wow!

Balance update

Can you believe that it is March? I thought that it was probably high time to review my resolutions. My big word for the new year is "balance." So... how am I doing?

Spiritual:

I have done a good job of reading the Bible and spending more time in prayer. I totally bombed the "read the Bible in a year" deal, but I have been doing a good job of reading and learning. I am seeking a friend for accountability and prayer.

Physical:

Well, the past three weeks have been good. Does that count? I have been exercising, made a race goal, and have done a really good job of watching what I am eating. So... if we are only talking about the last few weeks, I am on a roll!

Mental:

I did start teaching a new dual credit class for Vincennes University and The Crossing. By teaching this class, I have stretched some new mental muscles I hadn't used for a while. I am also getting back into my book club that I haven't been able to attend for a while. This will help.

Social/Emotional:

Well, I am sorry to say that this is the weakest area for me right now. I have not done a great job of connecting with friends. This is silly since this is usually an area of strength for me. I have had really good family times and individual kid times. I have a friend who I am going to meet once a month for coffee. I need to create more balance with this.

Well, that is the update. This was a boring post, but it was good for me to reflect on how I am doing on my goals. Ooh, I need to go since we are having family (homemade) pizza/movie night. The pizzas are ready to come out of the oven right now.

The Gift of Time

I am a person who tries to see the gifts of time when they are given. Sometimes it is hard to be thankful for them. For example... last night I had a sweet four-year-old who wanted to chat with me all night! She finally drifted off to sleep sometime after 3:00 AM; my body could not be so easily convinced. So, I was given the gift of time. I had two hours to be alone before kids and Jon would be awake. I prayed; I listened to my family breathe (or snore); I thought about how much I have in my life. This was truly a gift of time, but I didn't always enjoy it.

I was kind of dreading tonight. After no sleep last night, I knew I was going to be home alone with the kids tonight. (Jon has ski club on Tuesdays.) Although I love my sweet ones, I was thinking I would be a bit tired (and perhaps grouchy).

We were able to invite a friend over for dinner. She came, because the person she normally meets with on Tuesdays had something else to do tonight. (The gift of time!) We had a wonderful time!! We had dinner together, talked about Lent, and even danced to Michael Jackson (yes, that was from Allie). I was able to fold some laundry while watching the kids get hugs from another mom. I was able to snuggle with one kid while the other two were getting some special attention from a dear friend. I was able to enjoy those crazy kids, give them what they needed, and enjoy our friend. Such a blessing today!

Today I enjoyed the gift of time. I hope that I pay attention to see those other gifts that I am so freely given.

Funnies and Sweets overheard in my house this week

Allie: "Have you noticed I am wearing pants more often? I am really liking the feel of pants these days. It's the zipper. I think zippers really make the pants!"

Allie (in a bathroom at a Chinese restaurant): "Holy Chinese, Mom! This is an amazing bathroom!"

William: "How does that happen? Moms just know what to say to make things right."

Kate: "I don't want to have anymore birthdays! When I have a birthday, I have to get a shot!"

Allie (after an extremely long toot): "Excuse me. What? I had to wait until it was done."

William: "I cleaned my room. Now... I can't play, sleep, or do anything in there for one week. That way I won't have to clean it again."

Kate: "I can't sleep in my own bed, because my room makes noises at me. Well, Allie makes noises, but I can't sleep with those noises. I need to sleep in your bed."

Ask for a stronger back...

I have been trying out a new toy this week... TOSWF. Sounds fun, huh? It is a Test of Silent Word Fluency. This brief test gives an idea of a student's reading level. I was the first guinea pig;I don't want to brag, but my score was great! I tested my Vincennes Class and was surprised that some of them had below a ninth grade reading level. I tested my kids and husband... (the downside of having an English teacher in the family). Very fun. When I tested an entire class today, I was shocked that 83% of the students are below a 6th grade reading level. 83%?!

Another part of my week has been catching up with friends (either personally or via facebook and blog) regarding their time in Haiti. I look at those pictures of tiny, malnourished babies and my heart just breaks. So many with no home, food, clothes, etc.

So... all of this to get to the point in the title. I was reading an essay by Zora Neale Hurston (again... English teacher) where she talks about the label of "colored" and being reminded that she was the granddaughter of slaves. She says that those labels on press her forward to individuality and success. She talks about how all of us have labels in our lives, but they only make us happier when we succeed. I wonder if my students with such low reading levels, poverty, broken homes, and more will see it that way? Will they excel in spite of their history, or will they use it as a crutch?

Each day on my drive home, I pass a sign on a church that says, "Don't ask for a lighter load, ask for a stronger back." Although I usually hate those silly sayings, this one has stuck with me. I wonder if I am willing to ask for the stronger back.

I have life pretty easy. I love my family, my job, my church, my friends, and the list goes on. I like to be comfortable. I like my easy life. When we pray at night, my kids' prayers (after thank-you, God items) sound something like this, "Please protect us. Please protect our house. Please keep our van running. Please keep us happy, safe, and together. Please keep my parents here to raise us. Please keep us."

In truth, I think my prayers are more like that, too. Again, I like comfortable. Am I willing to be uncomfortable? Am I willing to ask for a stronger back? Am I willing to stretch?

I don't know.

Birthday Kids 2

Well, with two kids on the same date, I need two posts! My sweet Kate was born at week 32 weighing in at 3 lbs and 2 oz. She did a great job and never needed to be put on the ventilator. She was just a tiny bundle of joy! Here she is on day one:

And a few days later...

Coming home at 3 lbs 13 oz

With her brother and sister for Valentine's Day

What do I love about Kate? She is almost always happy!

She has taught me patience and tolerance- particularly with illnesses. (This is the picture that helped define her dairy allergy.) UGH

She keeps me on my toes! She has eaten everything from fertilzer, tums, an ant, dog food, silica gel, and the list goes on... (I am so glad she does not put everything in her mouth anymore, but she is still an adventurer!)

She is the perfect balance of snuggly love and pure ornery! Look at this sweet face!

That's my Kate!

Birthday Kids

With the earthquake in Haiti, my illness, and two birthdays in one week, I feel like I didn't spend enough time really reflecting on my birthday kids and their journeys. So, if you don't like to read about how great my kids are, look away now! This, by the way, will take two posts... One for each child born on January 13.

Here is the first picture I saw of William. He came way too early at week 29 weighing 2 lbs 8 oz. He was transferred to a different hospital, so for the first five days I waited to see pictures of how he was doing.

Here he is the first day I held him:

Here he is at one month!

What do I love about William? His playful attitude. He can make me laugh all of the time!

His tough spirit... I think that kids is a deep soul who withstands a lot. (Pic: post eye-surgery)

His ability to look at things in a different light. This, to me, looks like a mess! To him, it is a challenge!

His sense of adventure... Boy, does he keep me on my toes!

He makes me a better parent, because he has introduced to a world of challenge, difficulties, and deep sensitivity (that he hides very well).

I love this kid!

Trust

I have to admit that I am feeling so sad about Haiti. I think of streets that I know. I think of the smells of Haiti. I think of buildings. Mostly though, I think of people. I think of so many sweet-faced children. I think of my friends the Pierres and Coblentzes.

I wonder how I am going to be of help. At first I was planning my trip to go. I was ready. In fact, part of me longs to be there... to feel like I am helping the hurt and broken. I know, though, that I am not going right now. I thought perhaps we would take in one of the so many orphaned children. To a request for homes for 300 children, over 5000 people responded! I have to say PRAISE GOD that these children are so wanted by so many! I have to admit that I was a bit sad, too. For some reason, I thought that by taking care of this one hurting and alone baby would make me feel like I was doing something to help. My family was ready.

I trust God and in His plan! With aftershocks happening all of the time (6.1 this morning!), more buildings are falling, more children are being orphaned, more loss is happening. God is bigger than all of this. I pray for the workers who must be so broken-hearted and weary. Praying for them to have strength and peace in the midst of devastation. Praying for Dianne Pierre and her children coming to the states for a time. Praying for Jared and Jalayne as they are caring for others. Praying that I would be ready to accept the call of God when He has a job he wants me to do and that I would move forward boldly!

A tough one...

This has been a tough one! My heart is so heavy with the weight of what is happening in Haiti. I think of friends there. I think of their needs. I think of the fight the Haitians have in them to survive!

Yesterday marked the first and last time I became a mom. My William, who was born at week 29, was born on January 13, 1999. My Kate, who was born at week 32, was born on January 13, 2006. Want to talk about fight? William in particular had to fight to live. I reflect on those days after his birth as the worst time in my life. I remember the doctor's words, "If your son survives this, he will have to fight. If he fights to survive, he will always be a fighter."

Those of you who know my William, boy, is he a fighter! Life has not been easy for him, and he usually chooses the difficult path. Isn't he a blessing, though? I just love that kid's smile and laugh.

When I think of the devastation that has hit Haiti, I think of my William. Haiti is a country of fighters! They are tenacious! And, like my William, they have tender hearts with a lot of love.

As I have watched the horrific images of people pulling others from the rubble, people carrying bodies down the street, and of the loss, I am heartbroken for their pain. My hope is that at the end of this pain, is a refining in their spirits that will bring glory to God. Much like I pray that God has big plans for William and that his sufferings were times of refining.

Resolutions or No Resolutions?

I am not a New Year's Resolution kind of girl. Actually, I am a seasonal resolution kind of girl. I usually set some goals in the fall, winter, spring, and then summer. I like breaking it down this way to make it more achievable. I also like to evaluate how I am doing and adjust as needed. It seems like my family goals for summer are a lot different than goals in the fall.

When setting my goals, I usually categorize them. I make goals for aspects of my life: social, spiritual, mental, financial, physical. I feel like the categories help me to be specific and intentional.

So, the real question is... Do I keep my resolutions (or goals) or do I break them weeks into them? I think I do better than if I didn't make any goals. I feel like I do have more focus.

I liked reading my friend's blog this week about One Word. She decided that rather than making any New Year's resolutions that she would claim one word for her year. She chose Deliberate. I like it! Since I haven't yet made my goals for the winter (well, I have made some but not on paper), I thought about this One Word concept. Could I really get rid of my seasonal and categorical goal-settings and go with just one word for an entire year?!

I have chosen a word: Balance! I need to have more balance in my life. Balance in time with God, husband, family, friends, work , etc. I need more balance in my spending. I need balance that allows me to incorporate more exercise. I need balance that gives me time to read. You get the idea... I have been a bit out of balance lately.

Where does this leave me? Well, I think I will continue setting my seasonal goals. I think I will keep my categories. I think I will have an overall vision when setting my goals and that vision is that I am trying to seek balance. Do my goals move me forward in that, or do they clutter the picture? Are my goals realistic, or would they create an imbalance in my life in order to achieve the goals?

Balance...