Why Wednesday

Why have I waited so long to blog?

Why do I keep the annoying ESPN app on my phone?

Why do I go to bed so late and think I will be cheerful at 4:30 AM?

Why do I feel like a C+ mom today?

Why didn't I finish the last book club book when it is a type of book I would love to read?

Why do I make excellent dinners when my family would just prefer chicken bowls?

Why didn't I ever finish the birthday blogs for William and Kate?

Why isn't it spring break yet?

Why am I sitting here doing this when I am supposed to be on the road to meet a friend?

Still I stare

I have been sitting here staring at the blinking cursor. I have about four blog posts circling my brain but none of them are coming out just right. Still, I stare. I wait for inspiration to hit. Still, I stare. The constant blinking continues.

Do you ever have those months when you realize that God is working on you? As I reflect on the past month, I realize I have been under the chisel this month! So, here is what I feel like I am learning... have learned.

• I can do far more than I realized. I joined a fitness boot camp on November 1. I was ridiculously scared, freaked out that I had to leave my house by 4:45 AM every day, and intimidated beyond belief! I am not fit, not athletic, and not at all confident around those who are. Each day I faced my feelings of embarrassment, failure, and then moments of pride at accomplishment! I survived each day one at a time. Wow! In celebration of finishing, I ran a 5K on Thanksgiving day! I still get up every morning at 4:30 for a ridiculously early and challenging workout! Ouch and Wow all at one time! So, not only did I physically benefit, I mentally benefited. What a realization that even though I was throwing up (only once), even when I was crying (only twice), I still survived! I kept going! How many other things do I think I can't possibly do, but I can?

• Another lesson I learned/am learning is about being a shepherd. Who do I lead? Why do I lead them? What is my role? These are all questions I have been facing. To go along with that, I am learning about my own weaknesses. Man, I have so many! Particular areas of growth are: Servanthood, humility, purpose for task, who to trust, how to build trust, and why I am called to a task. I have been reflecting on CS Lewis' Screwtape Letters. Screwtape tells Wormwood not to focus on the big sins like murder, but rather lead the patient astray with the small sins: gossip, discontentment, selfishness, etc. Yikes. Am I guarding my heart and turning to God, the Bible, and wise (willing to really tell me the truth) Christian friends... OR, am I turning to my friends who will tell me what I want to hear, feed my negativity, and self? I have been reading the book of Nehemiah and learning so much about this. If you are looking for a couple of good sermons on this, turn to Alistair Bagg. The series is called, "Hard pressed but not Crushed." I am humbled, challenged, and growing (I hope).

The rest will have to wait until another post. I hope for a new day tomorrow. Would love to be challenged a bit less in the month of December (haha); my hope is for really growing and learning. I think that to grow and learn I may need to be challenged. Holding on tight.

What's your place?

On Friday afternoon at about 3:00 PM, I decided to go to Canada for the weekend. I know... who does that? I decided to pack up my Allie, my dear friend Stacy and her daughter Madi. We left at 5:00 AM on Saturday morning with tickets to three shows and one tour in hand.

They were shocked that we were heading to a "foreign country!" (Allie's assessment after spending a day in Stratford was, "Wow, foreign countries are great!"

After arriving in Stratford, I took a big sigh and just relaxed. I said to my friend, "I love coming here. I only have happy memories of this place." I have been going to Stratford since 1996. Sometimes I have gone with friends, sometimes with students and colleagues who are more than just colleagues, and once by myself.

We walked the town, ate at familiar restaurants, and stopped a lot just to look. I could actually see in my mind various people with whom I have shared experiences. A few of my many memories: A long coffee at a coffee shop with Steve Kirkpatrick. I remember people-watching with him while he graded papers. A big bunch of CHS teachers eating dinner and then abruptly ending dinner due to a fire in a local warehouse. Sitting with my husband watching a play. A student getting hit in the nose with a program. "Hmm" from the usher when she questioned whether or not I was old enough to be a chaperone. (For some reason, they don't question me any more.) Long nights talking in the hallway of the hospital dorm watching students scatter from room to room. The list goes on...

Sharing this trip with my daughter reminded me of the happy and yet somewhat sad reality that she is growing up. I am one step closer to sitting with her in a coffee shop wishing she had more time to tell me her thoughts and feelings on life. One step closer to her further independence. One step closer to her own adventures.

I hope this was the first in a long line of future adventures to Stratford with my Allie. I am thankful that I have a place like Stratford that only brings me happiness. I hope that when she is 37, she takes sidelong glances at her daughter watching her first production at the Festival theatre and only has happy memories.

I am Not God

I think I have reached a new level of vanity. Pitiful as it may be, I am there. I see (what I consider) injustice in a particular situation. Since I don't like it, I keep thinking that I know the best way to resolve the issue. Funny thing is... I do not have permission to move forward with my "best" decision.

Here is what my mind keeps saying: God knows the best decision. God does not need me to do His work. God's timing is infinite; I am only seeing one small slice of time. God knows all; I know my little world.

Here is what my heart keeps saying: This is not fair! I can help fix this situation. I can take care of this issue.

So... at the end of the day... I want God's will with his infinite wisdom. I do not want my heart's will, because I am not God.

There... it is out! I had to vent, process, wrestle. Just needed to get it out, and I am thankful that I still come to the resolution that I do not want my will; I want God's will.

A Voice of Gentle Silence

I love my job. I was called to do this work. Even though I was called and love what I do, there are some days that discouragement sneaks into my thinking. These past few days have been challenging. I have been asking myself if we are making a difference. Are kids' lives being changed? Are families coming together with a new sense of unity? Most importantly, are people's eyes turning toward God.

In the midst of my discouragement, I was reading 1 Kings 19. Right at this point in 1 Kings, Elijah is feeling so discouraged. He thought that people would certainly turn to God after witnessing the miracles, but they didn't. Here is what happens: The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper."

The Hebrew translation calls that gentle whisper "a voice of gentle silence." Am I so focused on all that is going on around me, or am I closely listening for that gentle whisper? It is much easier to be distracted by all of the "noise" of life. I am going to listen for the gentle silence.

Being disposable

Are you disposable? Easily gotten rid of? Trash? Worthless?

I am so thankful that my God loves me and will not leave me regardless of how selfish, inattentive, and prideful I am. My God will not tire of my endless worries, my times of questioning him, my busy schedule that does not include Him. Will He give me consequences or pull me back? Yes! He will not, though, be "all done" with me. He will not get rid of me. He will not tell me I am disposable. Trash. Worthless.

Why, then, do we as a society tell our kids that if they misbehave we will get rid of them? Why do we tell kids that we will send them away if they cannot change their behavior? Why are we so quick to throw people out, because we have decided it is too much? I have sat in too many meetings this week and heard this conversation. Parents who were told they were nothing; they now tell their kids they are nothing. Satan's lies passed down from generation to generation.

If God does not quit on us, why do we quit? Are we more than God?

Thinking small

Katie had her follow up appointment with her immunologist/allergist. That is a seven hour drive each way. We have been trying the sublingual immunization therapy for the past three months. When Jon left yesterday, I decided my goal was for her to be able to eat eggs again. (The girl loved eggs, and she could use the protein. It would be great if she could eat wheat (since it is in EVERYTHING!) Milk would just be a luxury!

I don't have all of the details, and more blood work was done today; however, here are the results I do know... NO eating eggs, wheat, or milk. They increased the antigen of each allergen. Other than that... status quo. Grr... Well, really it is not that big of a deal, but I was just hoping.

She will go back again in one year. (Yes, one year.) In the meantime, we will finish this three months of treatment. The next dosage will increase the allergens again with hope of increasing the immunity.

All is well in our world. She is healthy, growing, and loads of fun.